Directed by Adina Pintilie
Romania, Germany, 2018

Why haven't you ever asked me what is this film about?‌‌ And why haven't I ever told you, anyway?‌‌Was it just you not being curious?‌‌ Or also me being relieved you don't ask?‌‌ Was it our silent, comfortable agreement not to talk about it?

By Mubi: "Billed as the most controversial Berlinale Golden Bear in history, Adina Pintilie’s fearless investigation of intimacy and sexuality persuasively invites the spectator to participate in its exploratory narrative. A treatise on bodies and our perception of the Other that won’t leave you indifferent."

-I was with my man trying to make love.And all of a sudden, I feel there's someone with us in bed. And I realize it's my mother, just lying in bed, next to me. There is this physical thing, there is this cringe in my whole body, that she shouldn't be there. So I push her out, I tell her to leave. So she gets out of the bed, she stands. And, worse than that, I realize she's naked. She stands at the end of the bed, and she doesn't leave. She was like a child, standing there like this, very fragile, and saying that she doesn't wanna leave, because she doesn't want to be alone. And it gets really unbearable. I insist she leaves, I tell her that's not her place, she should leave the room. So I push my mother outside, through the hallway I close the door. And guess what? She appears in the fucking door of the balcony. Standing there, naked, very fragile, very vulnerable, and she really wanted in. She didn't want to be alone. And this is how I woke up. And this is a dream I will never forget. It's powerful. And where's the anger in that?
-Well, in your dream you're not angry because you want to get rid of her, but she moves you, because she needs you. You know when you talked to me about your dream, you described how fragile she looks, quite a few times. As if the fact that she was fragile meant that you couldn't be angry, because your aim isn't to hurt her. Your aim is for her just to leave. In dreams, you can be everybody. You know, when you were talking, at one point I felt like saying to you, "Can you say the same thing, and say 'I' instead of 'her'?".
-I think needing someone makes me weak and vulnerable. Because. I don't have the freedom to be myself, because if I am myself, with all the shit, and with all my feelings, and especially with my anger, I'm gonna lose that person I need.
-I understand that.
-Loving another without losing yourself is...Difficult. It's such a damn challenge I hope that's possible. I'm looking with this huge curiosity at other people.
-How they manage?
-How the fuck do they manage?
There's something very important that I realized. Which came to me like an epiphany. It is, when Christian was talking about my wall, which is something I'm conscious of and I've been trying to work on for a very long time. And to me, this wall was always a wall to protect me from something outside, not coming into me.  And suddenly, yesterday, it came to me in a flash, that this wall was absolutely not to protect anything from outside coming in. It was absolutely the opposite. I'm protecting something from the inside which can come out. This filter on what emotion I'm ready to let out makes me so unfree.
-Sleep, my little baby.
Rain is crying outside
Mommy is keeping your little toys.
You shouldn't be awake
in the dark night.
-I used to feel very calm when my mom sang this to me.
-I was so sure I knew everything about intimacy, about trust, desire, safety. As time passed by, with real life, with real people, all my so clear - once - views on things got gradually destabilized. After 20 years of being away from home, of thinking I'm a free, grown-up woman, I understood the umbilical cord between us hasn't actually been cut. Not yet. You're still running through my veins. As a dear friend put it: Tell me how you were loved, to tell you how you love. Tell me how you loved me, so I can understand how I love, how to love. When I started to ask you about all these memories, do you remember how difficult it was, for both of us? I came to understand how this love-myth hides so many conflicting emotions, how layers of anger, guilt, violence make it so difficult to reach that "love". And how today, I carry with me, in my intimate life, the fear of losing the one I love, the distrust, the anger, the never fulfilled longing. Is there also a conflict between your image of me and who I really am? And am I maybe still too afraid to ruin this image, for fear I lose you? Is this maybe why we never talked about this film?

Mela, mela, mela, mela, melancholia
Melancholia, mon cher
Mela, mela, mela, mela, melancholia
Schwebt über der neuen stadt
Und über dem land

Über den schaltzentralen
Über dem stoppelfeld aus beton
Über den heimlichen bunkeranlagen
Die nicht wegzukriegen sind
Marlene go home!
Auch über dem marlene-dietrich-platz

Die neuen tampel haben schon risse
Künftige ruinen
Einst wächst gras auch über diese stadt
Über ihrer letzten schicht

Mela, mela, mela, mela, melancholia
Melancholia, mon cher
Mela, mela, mela, mela, melancholia
Schwebt über der neuen stadt
Und über dem land

I'm zerschnittenen himmel
Von den jets zur übung zerflogen
Hängt sie mit ausgebreiteten schwingen
Ohne schlaf, und starren blicks
In richtung trümmer
Hinter ihr die zukunft aufgetürmt
Steigt sie langsam immer höher
Übersieht letztendlich das ganze land
Was ist die befindlichkeit des landes?
Was ist die befindlichkeit des landes?
(Einstürzende Neubauten - Die Befindlichkeit des Landes)